so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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