God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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