Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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