Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
