Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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