how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
