Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
