I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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