My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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