Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
