And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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