Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
