Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.