Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void