what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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