so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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