Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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