I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
