I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
