Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
