We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
