I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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