forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
