I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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