Don't make out with my wife yet
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
