I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
