Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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