Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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