M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
