My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
