I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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