His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
