Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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