i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
