I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
