Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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