you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the day after is always just damage control
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
