It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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