you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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