I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
