The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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