im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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