Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
