She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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