I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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