Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
