Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
