no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
