he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
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On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
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