hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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