I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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