Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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