My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
