If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
