you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
