Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
