shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just high enough for therapy.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
