the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
