You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
