Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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