Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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