I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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