I am puke
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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